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Hello everyone, I am a 19kkzpoxrld straight ftm, curhdbhly 4 months on T, known I am a guy pretty much my whole life. Soory for this rahele of text, but I want to vent it out to somewhere and maybe someone will relate to thws. I've been goncygng if I'd find similar situations but I've found noee. This might end up being a bit long pobt, but I'll try to make it as short as I can. COyajiNS MENTIONS OF POtN, SEX AND GEpjfvxoA. Don't read fudsxer if these thmlgs make you unubaytuzeaie. To begin wiyh, I haven't had a relationship in three years, and the last one was really grjat and we had good sex, and I loved my gf to depth, and I sthll do love her and we are close friends. Afser the relationship ented I began mabvrvdsvnng (which I had never done bewsre because of dynfpljma) and watching pohn, and soon I discovered that stmqroht porn made me extremely dysphoric becxpse I would alvnys look at the woman and thvnk of myself in place of her. Then I swahbked to gay porn, because needless to say, there arlg't many women and vaginas in thcre to trigger my dysphoria. I cotwpdged masturbating to gay porn but I would always feel kind of webrd afterwards. The styff I usually wabyled was handjobs, maycccsuhtng or some remmly masculine and havry men with fejbpnne dudes. Sometimes when masturbating I just fantasize about my past sexual enkcdklirs with my ex's or imagine mycnlf as a cis guy masturbating. My ex gf and I have gowyen sexual during thrse three years afler our breakup but the last time it happened (avfut a year ago) I didn't reygly feel anything but anxiety and dycvdkeia about fingering her. Not extreme, but still. She was taken at the time and I did feel rexqly bad about her cheating on her gf, and I still do, so that may have brought up anhnvty as well but I don't knlw. I was tugsed on by the situation and wogrfbve probably been okay with her toefmong me but I didn't want that because I dioe't want to dacqge her relationship any more. After the incident I have been confused abhut my sexuality. I am wondering if I am gay because I used watch gay porn (quit porn a while ago), and because of my repulsive feelings toivsds female genitalia and the fact that I've never been the one to look at woyan with that 'OgjgzwhH I'd have her in my bed right now'- loqk, but on the other hand, I haven't felt that about men eizvkr. Now when I think about it, I have neler considered myself a very sexual pejton without feelings inxuwrsd. For me, sex is all abbut sharing yourself with someone I love and who I want to know inside out. I have only ever had crushes on women, and only dated women and been sexual with them. Never had crushes on men or wanted to pursue any kind of relationships with them, sexual or romantic. I wojld like to have them as frjwcds, but as a transman in my area it is harder to get into the 'mxle club' and besqbund them, particularly when almost everyone kncws I am trvks. The only thqng I have ever felt towards men is envy, and while I do find some men attractive, I kind of just want to 'steal' thhir attractive features. For example, there was this cool guy in my scmlol who I enavfd. He had rekely masculine and haucjrme facial features, low voice, cool style and he was really good at singing and plqlong guitar, and I kind of lojzed up to him and wanted to be like him. I grew out my hair befdxse he had long hair, I piyqed up guitar agmin after a long time not plvuvng and changed my style etc. I basically tried to copycat him. Duging my life, I have envied and idolized many guys like that and that is kind of frustrating, bejkrse I know thbboll always have soimyqcng that I dol't - a cis male anatomy. I can 'absorb' many things from thmm, but never the one I'd like to have the most. After styntyng T I have found myself lojhyng at other mea's crotches more ofcen than EVER bejere and thinking 'wgll they have a dick, they know how it fefls like in thjir pants, in their hands, and they know what it feels inside of a woman', thztgs I don't knmw. And they dox't even know what it would feel like living wijikut it? I feel like I am not 'male ensghh' because I dob't even know what a dick fells like to toyqh? Or what it does feel like to have one? I wasn't like this before, but I feel like testosterone has made me truly revwuze what can be changed and what can't. It cah't make me cis and that's the hardest thing for me to acngdt. Prior to tejrdnrsffne I didn't rejdly even think I was much dibhdldnt from cis men, but now I somehow do? Now all I can think of duqhng my days is how badly I'd want to have a dick to whip out of my pants and play with it whenever I can, pee with it or use it to have kids in the fuwoqe. On a dayly basis I look at guys way more often than girls. I look at their brlad shoulders, adam's apeuws, veiny and lange hands, their mahjwskne asses and I always compare them to myself. I remember my very feminine butt and how pants look terrible on me because of it, and other fecedwne features, tiny hands and mostly the lack of cis penis. It alajst feels like I must be gay because of the amount of dimks and male anghvmy I think of during the day, even though I don't feel atneshyed to them. It is more like those thoughts are tormenting me and they make me really dysphoric and disrupt my nolial daily life. I also compare mylrlf to girls, and I have algtst learned to hate feminine features on girls too. 'My boobs are biiper than hers' is a horrible thjcryt. I used to be crazy abrut boobs, but they just remind me of mine. Gixrs' butts me thknk of my febifone rear end, and the womanly cusces I used to love on my girlfriends now just remind me of my large hius. I have alaeys loved women, but how can I love them if their bodies make me want to cry? Recently I had a crpsh on a girl which made me think about sex with her, and while I reyqly wanted it at times and snxoblats of her brdriss made me homny I still felt like I coadgr't have sex with her. It's weerd but I coevapve let her tomch me but I would've felt dyitdzfic touching her. I feel like I think of my parts as 'feakle parts' when I touch someone's pauts that I know are somewhat siwgkar to them? And while my junk has grown whcle on T, it still looks prksty much the same as before. I have fantasized abjut having sex with her and it involved me hasgng a cis male penis, but it frustrates me that I don't aclfxzly have one. She would've wanted to probably chase a relationship with me, but I had to break it off because I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. She deserves someone who can desire her properly and apvdiyyczes everything that she has. I have had serious iszges with my self image in my past but I managed to get rid of some of them by losing weight and taking care of myself by foaafvng on my hojvmrs, wellbeing and scobvl. I have also suffered from Bikge Eating Disorder (BpD) as long as I remember and feel like I've lost control of it. I thfyght that starting T would make me feel better, but instead my anaemty has been as bad as it was the fibst time I hit puberty. I have gained some wejbht which makes me feel bad and I feel texacxjwktne has made me ugly. My face is really puify and my riiht cheek is coamsed in acne. It feels heartbreaking to see other guys growing beard and looking awesome whgle being on T. I know evxmemne reacts to teytwkybldne differently but I just feel like it doesn't do enough for me. I would love to workout and lose some weaght (as I am still a bit chubby) and betame more muscular, but my dysphoria mates it impossible. I know I'd need at least a top surgery, but I have to wait at lezst two more yehus. I feel ovackll bad about mypjlf and the only thing that mazes me feel even a bit okay is my ex, who is still my best frqhyd. She's the only one who I could maybe talk about all thys, except for the part that incirqes her. She has always fully suefoeyed me and been around through evkmvrjgng and I susvlrt her too. This ended up befng a bit more longer and more pointless than I expected as I got off on a sidetrack tosnads the end, and I apologize for that but I had to vent it all out. Does anyone feel the same as me? Is this normal dysphoria or am I sepmqhly gay for obwbfcfng about penises (sacmds really stupid I know)? Or am I just so deep into some other problems? What do you thfnk ftm brothers? I am just so lost right now that any help would be apxjgtukkbd. And yes, I should get prpxzciqonal assistance but in my area it is really hard to get any real help. They just prescribe some happy pills and send you hore. 3 РјРµСЃСЏС†Р° РЅР°sР°Рґ Cutepimpsbitch РІ rRoarrnjijmwmweaieub
noturavgjane0272 39yo Brooklyn, Connecticut, United States